Real Life Achievements

One perk of possessing Microsoft’s questionably liable video game console, the Xbox 360, is its use of so-called “achievements.” They are points you are given after completing a certain task in a certain game. These points add up to your gamerscore, which is the equivalent to a over-inflated ego or a post count on a message board. Remember, the bigger your score is, the bigger your junk is!

So, why not achievement points for real life? Hell, self-help books and seminars are not going to help you with receiving arbitrary numerical scores (unless you’re taking the 12 Step Program, but we’ll cater to that demograph in a future update…). Sure you’ll get help for your mental imbalances and insecurities but come on, what’s more important? Yourself or helping yourself to bragging to your peers that you have 2 achievements they don’t have?

Well, achievement whores of the world, I have solved this problem for you by introducing TFE’s own “Real Life Achievements.” A comprehensive list for you obsessive compulsives to check, compare, and brag about what so called “chieves” you made of missed or have received. Let’s get started!

Screwing That Chimpanzee
Successfully wait at the DMV without muttering obscenities to yourself.
20G

Anger Management
Throw at least 5 controllers at the wall in anger, all of which have to be broken in some form.
5G

Enjoy It
Contract AIDS

-1000G

Fanfriction
Get into an argument with someone on a message board about your slash fanfic.
10G

Dude…
Brag about your gaming skills to your friends until they are annoyed.
5G

Doing Hard Time for Hard Crimes
Get arrested on charges of possession of marijuana.

420G

A Kickin’ Deal
Find shoes that are 50-75% off of its original price.

10G

Spoken Like a True Politician
Lie to your girlfriend/boyfriend on a significant basis.

30G

Press F5 to Add Friend
Refresh your social networking page every 5 minutes for up to an hours length in total.
25G

Pro-Recreational
Have 5 abortions.

15G

Owned by Team Nemecyst
Fall into a pyramid scam or any type of scam that involves your finances.
0G

Red Ringworm Infection
Have your Xbox 360 die of hardware failure resulting in the 3 red rings of death.
-3G

Saturday Night Wrist
Whack off to 100 different pornographic movies.

100G

Surprise Sex
Spike a woman’s drink with GHB and take her home.
10G

Walk the Plank
Download 100 albums illegally.

30G

Close Encounters of the Idiot Kind
Become the person of physical and/or verbal abuse from a customer while working at a Walmart store.
30G

Warm Herbal Tea
Go to any store and buy a combination of condoms, KY lube, and barbecue potato chips.
69G

It’s a Wonderful LIVE
Become a jerk over Xbox Live by calling 100 players “fags” and making 50 jokes about their mothers.
150G

That’s all for now but don’t fret, the exclusive map pack with all new real life achievements will hit the marketplace soon! Details are not there yet but what we will tell you is that it’ll cost you an arm and a leg! Capitalism rules!

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One Response to “Real Life Achievements”

  1. Destruction-Overdrive Says:

    I lol’d on many occasions upon reading this post.

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