Things That Piss Me Off #1

I think that you can learn a lot about a person from what they write, especially their early stuff. So let’s see what everybody can learn about me from this, the first of what I’m sure will be many, Things That Piss Me Off. First up is something that other people have probably written about before in various capacities; but what do I care? This is about Mike Baldo being pissed off. Topic for this particular Baldo rage-fest: Foods that deny their product to a mascot character.

\

The Trix Rabbit

Holy shit, look at this guy. There’s no way that anyone should get that worked up over a bowl of cereal. But I digress. The people that created the rabbit are apparently the ones to blame for the whole trend of having mascot characters that desperately want to enjoy the product that they aren’t getting paid to shill to overweight children, but never fucking get to.

He’s apparently gotten to eat two or three bowls of Trix since the company first started using him as their mascot roughly four God damn decades ago. Denying this poor, crazy lagomorph a simple bowl of cereal has become such a cultural phenomenon that the phrase “Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!” has been named as one of the 100 most memorable catch phrases in TV history. If I was in the rabbit’s place, I’d make a habit of responding to that phrase with, “Silly kids, if you don’t give me a bowl of fucking cereal, I’m gonna beat your parents to death with a crowbar while you watch!” Next case.

I hate this fucking wolf.

Chip the Wolf

Quite frankly, everything about this guy pisses me off. But that’s another article. He’s only been around shilling Cookie Crisp for a short while, but already he’s doomed to his fate of never getting his paws on the very cereal that he sells. In the commercials, he’s been seen inventing all kinds of overly complicated gadgets in his attempts to snatch some of the cereal away from unsuspecting kids, all of which fail and usually send him spiraling off over the horizon calling out his catch phrase, “Just missed that Cookie Crisp!”

Usually the “oo” in the cereal’s name is elongated like a wolf howl, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to type out the stupid howl for the sake of that bastard, Chip. The only reason I want the kids to give Chip some Cookie Crisp is because he’s a canine and the chocolate in it will most likely cause him to die. If the dumbass is so desperate to get ahold of something that will poison him, I’m all for it. But hey, I’m not completely heartless. It’s just that most of my breakfast denial related sympathy goes to this guy.

Pity this poor soul.

Nameless Eggo Dad

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more pity for a cartoon character trying to sell breakfast food. He’s a fairly recent creation, but he’s already suffered too much. And at the hands of his own daughter, no less. In these Eggo commercials, his damn kid spends the whole time stuffing her face with an entire boxful of waffles, French toast sticks, whatever they’re trying to sell at the time. And dad has to come up with elaborate schemes to try and steal some, including disguising himself as the family dog, painting himself with a wood pattern to blend in with the tabletop, and even inventing a damned teleportation chamber.

All of these fail of course, and dad has some kind of cartoonish misfortune befall him. Now hold the bus for one minute here. I can understand the rabbit and wolf trying to steal their respective foodstuffs. I mean, they’re animals and have no money to buy them. But look at this guy! That is a man that goes to work at a mind-numbing office job if I’ve ever seen one. It’s his paycheck that bought the damn Eggos in the first place! Why the hell should he have to go to such lengths just to get some fucking breakfast? From his own kid no less!

Guy needs to ditch the stupid Wile E. Coyote bit and just walk up and take those Eggos from the brat. And if she so much as thinks about saying “L’eggo my Eggo.” BAM! Up for adoption. Fucking kids need to be made to appreciate their breakfast. You know who all these breakfast mascots need to be more like?

You want some of me Lucky Charms? Then you\'re gonna work for it!

Lucky the God Damn Leprechaun

Yeah, that’s right! This guy does it right. If the kids want some of his cereal, they’ve got to try to chase him down and take it! You little bastards want breakfast? Then you’re gonna work for it! And the best part is that whenever they have him cornered and they’re about to get some cereal, Lucky pulls out some “marshmallow magic” and escapes. He could have used it at any time, but he made those ungrateful kids run their asses off anyway. Lucky the Leprechaun is the fucking boss when it comes to breakfast.

Advertisements

11 Responses to “Things That Piss Me Off #1”

  1. oafhamper Says:

    THEYRE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS AND PORN!

  2. onelosthill815 Says:

    Even though this guy has only done on article on here, it’s still my favorite.
    Can’t wait for the second edition.

  3. Stebendroth Says:

    You definitely should of included the Rice Crispies dudes and Tony the Tiger.
    But this is STILL hilarious.

  4. mikebaldo Says:

    Snap, Crackle, and Pop regularly eat their products in commercials, and Tony hands out the cereal to kids for nothing. All of them DO piss me off, but for different reasons than the overall topic. For the record, I had initially thought about putting Fred Flintstone in the mix, since Barney’s always stealing his Pebbles. But that guy’s a prehistoric asshole.

  5. Destrcution-Overdrive Says:

    Do us all a favor and never go into anger management. For 2 reasons:

    1) It doesn’t do shit and is a waste of your time. (I don’t know first hand, im just sayin’)

    2) Post like these would be discouraged.

    Very Nice.

  6. Kevin Bacon Says:

    Don’t forget about coo-coo the coco puffs dude. He eats the cereal and goes bonkers, probably from all of the sugar in the cereal. Basically, in the commercial we’re saying, “Hey kids! Come get high on sugar for breakfast.”

  7. Okay, I’m bookmarking this page! I never mined Lucky, but the rest of the cereal people were pretty stupid. However, I have to admit, I do like General Mills advertisement much more than Kelloggs.

    Nice rant!

  8. BAHAHA! YOU GUYS FORGOT THE KELLOGS BIRD! DUH-TU-DU!!!

  9. The testis is the primary organ of male reproduction while the spermatozoa, or simply ‘sperm’, is the product of the reproductive activities of the testes. The sperm is produced in the testes through a cycle/processes known as spermatogenesis and is stored in the epididymis. This process of spermatogenesis, takes about 74 days from the primitive cells called spermatogonia to the matured sperm cell.

  10. Yeah thos guys are pretty damn retard i watch these commerails whole time i’m like “What the fuck is this high fructose corn syrup shit they are trying to feed me?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: