Blunders of Humankind – Movie Mistakes, Part 2

If you didn’t get to read the first part yet, there is still time, just click right here.

So here we go once again. Cutting this short, I’ll just have a quick reminder of what 6 movies were listed in Part 1 of the 12 movie mistakes: Witless Protection, Bring It On: In It to Win It, Dead Dudes in the House, Space Zombie Bingo, American Psycho 2 and Howling III: The Marsupials.

Remember, these 6 weren’t listed or organized into any particular order. In this final part, however, the final 3 are listed in order in terms of their worthlessness…

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

Is there ever really a ‘top’ list of the worst of something without an Uwe Boll film? All right, so we remember House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne… that’s one hell of a résumé. So then take a look at one of his latest efforts into the world of taking video games’ names and publishing an irrelevant movie under that title: Dungeon Siege.

I want you to ask yourself (and others) if they have ever played the Dungeon Siege games, then come back here and tell me honestly that more than nobody said that they have. It seems that everyone is wanting to create the “new” Lord of the Rings, and somehow I doubt writing about moderately-popular point-and-click game Dungeon Siege is the right way to do that. That’s all well and good, I guess, but making more of an insult to people, the movie is over 2 hours long. This movie shouldn’t have been over a 10 minute YouTube time limit.

That was a pretty topical and internet-savvy joke, so let’s move along to pick on other aspects of this movie… actually no, let’s just leave this as one of the most pointless movies ever. It made next to nothing, is ridiculed by everyone and has found its way onto no lists at all, except this one!

I couldn’t leave out an Uwe Boll film from this list. If he wants to challenge me to a boxing match like he has his other critics, I wouldn’t step down.

Who’s Your Caddy?

If you want to create the next landmark comedy film about golf that can rival Caddyshack, it’s best to not include nothing but rappers in your actor list. That is just some advice from me.

Something about this movie is hilarious and I don’t know if it’s the poster, the name or what. Maybe it’s funny because it’s another “whites vs. blacks” type of film. Check out these hysterical cultural differences between two races!! Hell yeah I say, we need more films that focus on the fact white people do stuff differently than black people… in golf. Wait, it already exists! Looks like my work is done here.

The Maize: The Movie

A movie so incredible it needs a subtitle to let people know it’s actually a movie. Be forewarned, this is NOT based off a true story, or else it would have been The Maize: The Movie: Based on a True Story. When you first say that title, it sounds like it rhymes.

Ever wanted to see a movie with people stuck inside of a maze of corn? Howabout one that involves ghosts? I truly think that the people who finally realized that you can, in fact, make a clever pun on corn going by the name ‘maize,’ and the idea of mazes themselves have finally reached their potential as human beings: CORN (AKA “MAIZE”) CLEVERLY GROWN INTO A MAZE BECOMES “THE MAIZE.”

This movie is scary as hell and I’m frightened by corn.

Superbabies: Baby Geniuses 2

I am not going to say anything about it, instead, I am going to post snippets of articles that reviewed it.

“This is a movie that should have bypassed the theatres and gone straight to DVD. It is offensive on so many levels.”Marjorie Baumgarten; Austin Chronicle

“Villainy toward the infant class now comes from Jon Voight, descending to the depths of his 37-year-career.”Dave Kehr; The New York Times

“The first Baby Geniuses, released in 1999, was one of the most inane, humorless, ill-conceived, poorly acted comedies of the year. As difficult as it is to imagine, the sequel is even worse, earning an F.”Jean Oppenheimer; Dallas Observer

“The most perversely unnecessary sequel in recent memory.”Nathan Rabin; The Onion

“May quite easily put an end to any discussion of what is the worst theatrical release of 2004.”Kevin Crust; Los Angeles Times

I can’t wait for Superbabies 3, the newly revised dark comedy.

The Entire ‘Kickboxer’ Franchise After the First Film

First off, let me say one thing, the first Kickboxer was a good Van Damme movie. If a movie is good, there’s a good chance endless and unnecessary sequels will come of it. Also, if you are ever in doubt of how to let people know your movie is about kickboxing, show the actors on the cover kicking really high.

What’s a way to make sequels to a movie when you know your lead role will not be apart of the sequels? Make your new starring role the brother of the former star! This technique will work in nearly every movie if you want to extend the value of it.

I was actually tempted to put Son of the Mask in this spot, because it was a sequel that came out like 10 years after the first one to no fanfare at all. But ultimately the Kickboxer sequels won out for being the most true stereotyped-plot movies of all.

I can sum up plots for these movies by just giving you the first part of two sentences: “Terrorists who…” and “Girlfriend that was…” Don’t believe me? Watch them and see yourself!

These movies are like Rocky, if Rocky Balboa were a revenge-seeking brother who combats terrorists and rescues girls by kickboxing. The latest movie (fifth) of the Kickboxer franchise is completely different than any of the others, which is a pretty big reach because the other sequels are basically completely different than the original. It doesn’t even have the brother of the Kurt Sloane like the other movies! It just has some guy kickbox a lot of other guys.

You can get the same result of all of these pointless Kickboxer movies by picking on an Asian guy at the gym who is practicing on a punching bag. If you want to go the extra mile, feel free to run from the impending security and pretend they are terrorists who kidnapped your girlfriend and stole your trainers honor.

You’ve come this far, so here it is, the number one most pointless movie of all time:

Chairman of the Board

After that Kickboxer mess you might have wondered what movie(s) were more pointless, but then you scrolled down and saw Carrot Top surfing in an office building.

What can I say that you haven’t already assumed based on the cover alone? Well, let’s see: Carrot Top is a surfer and inventor who inherited a major company. Someone on the payroll doesn’t like it, and tries to steal his billion dollar idea… a TV/TV dinner combo. He then exploits it as dangerous as it leaks radiation.

I don’t really care enough to write more about it, all you need to know is that it was one of the biggest box office flops ever and nobody likes it, so you can rest easier tonight knowing that.

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