Unreleased Video Games – Conclusion

In case you missed the previous entry into these unreleased titles, it’s not too late. Clicking here is where you want to be.

Now that the obligatory re-introduction has been done, let’s get right back down to the continuation of these games that I’ve got some secret information on that I can now officially share to the public. The vault has been opened once again.

So here we go with the last remaining unreleased titles. Remember, for one reason or another, these games were not released to the public.

Starting things right off the bat, it’s best to notice the pattern of why many of these titles weren’t released: insensitivity of the game and people that the game is made for. These games were made well before Grand Theft Auto was a mainstay into video games and popular culture. Back then, any sort of realistic violence or vulgarity was strictly prohibited in terms of what could be allowed and what couldn’t.

However, that isn’t to say we don’t have a few newer titles in the vault here. In fact, one was just recently unreleased just 2 years ago! The levels of right and wrong have changed over the past years, but not enough to make every single game coming out appropriate or even legal.

Relatively innocent enough, Pat Riley’s Slicked Back Hair was a title that was not exactly forbidden by the Ratings Board, rather had a controversial dispute with the man the game is focused on (more on this later).

So the story is this, you are the legendary basketball coach Pat Riley in an all-new adventure off the court, and into everyday life! With this, you get to see what it’s like to be Pat Riley and experience a world that many have never even dreamed of.

That is all well and good, but the game was canned in the middle of production once Pat Riley was disappointed and very upset at the plot twist of the game. You see, at the end when you take the Lakers to their second championship in a row in 1988, you “wake up” and find yourself amidst a circus acrobatics show on a (purple and gold, of course) balance beam up way high in the arena. It was all a dream! You were never Pat Riley, you were a circus acrobatic!

Upon Pat Riley coming out of retirement and taking the Miami Heat to the 2006 NBA Finals to win it all, Pat Riley reportedly said “at least I’m not in the circus this time!” at the press conference. Gotta love his sense of humor.

Another one that is not quite offensive in violent ways, but ask any gamer or scholar what the first game to incorporate full-frontal nudity was and they would have never guessed that Tengen’s unreleased game Pants Ahoy! was the right answer. Just look at how badly they want those pants.

The game was simple, a hack-n-slash focused on trying to find pants that fit. Of course, everyone picked the female valkyrie, but I can imagine at least some people were interested in seeing what size pants the others might fit into, except, maybe not the wizard. Yeesh, what were they thinking with this one?

This game was heavily-edited and re-released as “Gauntlet,” the arcade hit that has managed to get many sequels and countless ports on nearly every home console and arcade to date. Rumor has it, on the Xbox Live version of the arcade Gauntlet port, if you manage to get 4-players in the game and follow a very specific route after killing ghosts in sequential order, a pair of pants appears up in the corner of the stage, making you completely invulnerable and impossible for the Grim Reaper to kill you. Tough to do, but it was cool that they included in that Easter egg for the hardcore fans.

Here it is, the newest one from the top secret collection. The Need for Speed franchise in 2006 was getting a little bit repetitive, so the folks at EA decided to change things up a bit and go more “in your face” with this marketing technique. Fundamentally, the game was virtually the same as it always was. This game took the approach of the “Underground” series of the Need for Speed games and just decided to make it more fashionable, more “brutally honest.”

What we got was “Need for Speed: Now with Fucking Fast Cars!!” Sure, the games’ cars were always fast, but not fucking fast. If you thought the speeds of F-Zero were too much, then maybe it’s time you give up trying to be someone. These cars are fucking fast and mean something. Don’t ever think you can try to play another racing game ever again after you play this one.

… That was the gist of the back of the box text, anyway. The biggest flaw of this game lies in the fact that nobody knows for sure how fast “200 km/h” is, but all be damned if that doesn’t sound fast.

Despite enthusiasm over at IGN and people alike over the game, it was never released beyond a beta. They were apparently going to re-work the game with a gritty story mode, but that never ended up happening.

This one here is actually a prank, but I feel it’s necessary to be shown; a Photoshop-job that was a practical joke. I was outraged when I discovered that “Romantic Evening” was not a real game, and rather a sick joke by the game developers. Ugh.

Think Nintendo were all class? Think again. This was an extremely rare mock-up of what was planned to be the first ever Mario game that had drive-bys and automotive executions. Ever imagined what it’d look like to crash a go-kart at 100 mph into Mario environment landmarks, such as the green pipes? This game had the answers to “what-if” physics questions far before Half-Life 2 and the Havok physics engine were even on the minds of those who created them.

This game was unorthodox, crude and outlandish. Miyamoto realized this and quickly revamped the whole idea to a family friendly racing game, still with Nintendo’s beloved mascots. Not a bad decision, Mario Kart has become a beloved title in Nintendo’s franchise gallery. But don’t think that they have forgotten the ideas and legacy that “Massive Cart Pile-Ups” brought to the table. Just remember this, without it, Mario Kart would have never seen the light of day. Pretty cocky of them to put a “million seller” tag on the mock-up box art, though.

Cruel, absolutely cruel.

So, here we go. The final one that I have in my possession. Grandma’s Attic by Kemco/Seika. This was one of the first horror games ever imagined and was simply visionary. Who, as a kid, was not afraid of your grandmother’s attic? So much junk up there, there just has to be snakes and demons mixed with old cigars, recipe books and pantaloons.

This game was pretty popular with those who have a copy of the ROM cart, pretty atmospheric game with really disturbing images and fitting music. That cover alone is an extremely accurate depiction of what everyone thought was up in a grandmother’s attic.

I just noticed there’s a ghost on that cover. Good lord, what the hell could that be?

… And a tentacle thing?! This game!

The game was unreleased due to graphic imagery, horrifying nature, extreme violence and a weird incestual storyline (it was made in Korea or something). This game broke all the rules, and is my pick for the best, most controversial unreleased video game of all time.

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One Response to “Unreleased Video Games – Conclusion”

  1. Destruction-Overdrive Says:

    Glorious

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