The Future of Gaming

Due to recent events of a certain publishing company pissing many raging gamers off, it was time to sneak into Wedbush Morgan analyst Michael Pachter’s office, steal his (presumably broken) crystal ball, and tell you TFE lackeys what is to come in the future of digital entertainment. I must warn you however, that the events that are about to unfold are purely fictitious and not to be taken literally.

From the intel I have gathered from this shiny orb that defies all logical explanation of space and time, It seems that we are in for another inevitable North American video game crash. For the less educated, back in the 80’s people stopped buying video games because they we’re absolute shite. Some researchers even suggested that the crash is directly linked to the uprising of the bad fashion and the feverish use of crack cocaine that also plagued the 80’s. Hey, since the games we’re so utterly mind numbingly dull, the kids had to find other means of stimulating their senses.

Away from the history lesson, a timeline of the events following video game doomsday…

Present Day

This article is posted in an effort to heed the warnings of the oncoming mudslide of shitacular games, only one person actually takes notice and builds a fallout shelter. (Complete with PS3 and a pre-order ticket for Fallout 3.)

April 29th

Rockstar Games’ Grand Theft Auto IV is released, gamers cheer and bludgeon each other to death while trying to decapitate one another using helicopter rotary blades. Political pundits attribute the newly multiplayer feature as a new “World of Guncraft” due to its highly addictive nature. A featured writer on this site goes missing, is found dead after long periods of excessive digital hooker beating.

July 2008

After countless attempts and constant propositions, Take Two Interactive bows to the pressure of Electronic Arts and the company is absorbed within the giant behemoth that is EA.

EA announces the downloadable content for Grand Theft Auto IV will cost an arm and a leg… literally. In all seriousness, the content will be individually priced for 1600 points. Sales in Microsoft Points cards skyrockets.

Gamers on the internet revolt in anger. Posts with “BOYCOTT EA” and “Electronikkk Farts!” in the title are quickly spread across many gamer-oriented blogs. Useless online petitions are made and forum signatures defacing the EA logo using bootlegged copies of Adobe Photoshop CS are produced. However, nothing is really done and consequently, the boom of the micro-transaction model is born.

Christmas 2008

Games for the holiday season have arrived and due to the innovations within Xbox Live and downloadable content business models in general, many games require gamers to pay additional fees to access weapons, vehicles, and other general power-ups. Epic Games’ Gears of War 2 is affected by this, forcing gamers to cough up $10 more dollars to just use the chainsaw bayonet on the lancer. A Gears fan in Michigan is not pleased by this, and in a drunken rage, falls down a flight of stairs.

March 2009 Dubbed Tha F Up

To keep up with the perpetuated notion that EA ruins franchises by yearly releasing new games, Trackstar Games (formerly Rockstar Games) announces Grand Theft Auto IV: Dub Edition 2009 Mix for the Playstation 3 and Xbox 360. A so called “refined” version of the previous incarnate, the 2009 edition features 3 new vehicles, in-game advertisements from Pepsi and Axe bodyspray, a new soundtrack from EA Trax, and the downloaded content from yesteryear. In addition to these additions, EA also announced a strategic partnership with Sony to deliver new content (this time, consisting of new weapons like a crossbow and new modes of transportation like a skateboard, all overly priced.) to the Playstation userbase.

Within the same year, 2K Marin’s Bioshock 2 is released. Narratively speaking, it is nothing like the 1st game as it takes place in the future in a cyberpunk utopia and the central plot revolves around human cloning and a sinister genome project. Rapper Xzibit voices the main character in the game.

Fall 2009

In an interview with Brian Crecente of Kotaku (which is now owned by EA), Microsoft correspondent Shane Kim praises the new business model of downloadable content. Quoting “…it is the future of digital mediums and that we, as a company, will follow suit.” 2 weeks later, Sony announces that all Playstation 3 games will be released either as a digital download or on a Blu-ray disc. Technology analysts predict that this move by Sony is a sign of the inevitable demise of the disc format as a whole. Meanwhile, Michael Pachter buys a new crystal ball from an old wise man with a beard. In a online interview, he said his purchase was “justified because some snot-nosed punk jacked my other one and my collection gravure idol pictures on my computer.”

In an somewhat unrelated event, Miami Attorney and anti-game activist Jack Thompson is disbarred. Dennis McCaulley of GamePolitics.com organizes a party at his house complete with cake, booze, and Twister. However, one of the above items is found out to be a total lie.

2010

Unfortunately, there is a crack on the surface of this ball so the year 2010 is blank. Sorry for the inconvenience. However, I did see a glimpse of something that isn’t game related…

In a miraculous series of events, the Arizona Cardinals win the Superbowl.

Early 2011

Sony, Microsoft, and Electronic Arts (who’ve now merged with Nintendo to form Electrotendo) all have respective meetings to discuss future next-generation consoles. At the year’s E3 held at the Los Angeles Convention Center, all 3 companies announce something groundbreaking: A unified player dubbed “UNi” developed by all 3 companies. Because of the popularity and financial success of the Nintendo Wii, 3-lettered products are all the rage in the future. Hell, even Pepsi came out with a new drink called “Pip” to appeal to the hipster demograph.

$800

The “UNi” console itself has no CD/DVD/BD-drive so consumers are opted to download games from different services from the Big 3. (Sony, Microsoft, and Electrotendo). The games themselves come with a “basic” package that costs the default price of $40, However, some games even require you to pay an additional $10-30 to actually complete it. Developers are opted to build on the existing games through means of more downloadable content. (Mission packs, map and stage add-ons, story elements, etc.)

Criticisms of this new system and business model quickly faded to obscurity through extensive promotion, an aggressive advertising campaign, and under-the-table transactions with certain gaming publications. (One transaction involved a literal under-the-table handjob with publisher Ubisoft which resulted in a bad friction burn.)

2012

While everyone wasted time on their Playstation 4’s and Xbox 720’s playing Call of Duty: Future Warfare on universal Blu-ray discs, The Big 3’s Uni digital distribution game console is released. Among the launch titles are NBA Live 2012, Final Fantasy XXVIII X-3, SNK vs. Capcom vs. Konami: Ultra Prizefighter Edition 2nd Edition, Grand Theft Auto 2012, and Will Wright’s Simonopoly.

Riots ensued in the streets as mass shortages at retail stores nationwide became a reality. 10 people were killed due to mob rushes, shootings, 2 stabbings, and one person beaten to death with a Mad for Madden kiosk. Ironically, no one was injured in the subsequent brawls that happened on that fateful cold night of the consoles’ release.

Unfortunately, annoying bugs, server malfunctions, and accounts mysteriously disappearing are just some of the notable flaws within the system’s first launch. Like the PlayStation 3, the console came out of the gate stumbling due to price, availability, and the cost of games and peripherals associated with it (the controllers came separate, with a hefty price tag). Cynical analysts and internet message board trolls alike claimed that this was the end-time for gaming as a whole.

Months later, Former attorney and now street prophet Jack Thompson is arrested in a Best Buy shooting spree, killing 3 people and wounding 2 others. Thompson claims that God called to him and asked to liberate the people in the store from being seduced by the new Trackstar game, Fraternity 2, an spin-off game from the Bully franchise. (Don’t sue us, please.)

Mid 2013/ Early 2014

Overall sales of the UNi console and it’s game begin a steep decline. Many people are disgusted with the console’s architecture and it’s pricing schemes. Because of this, the public reverts back to playing previous generation consoles. Websites like Cheap Ass Gamer and Destructoid call for more boycotts while cheeky hackers create their own independent servers and software applications for gamers to play online without using the compulsory UNi iNline online subscription service.

LOL RODHAMThings take a turn for the more grim. President Hillary Clinton released a statement on national TV about implementing a universal, government-mandated ratings system and in turn, banning several previously rated M-rated games. Used copies at retailers are pulled, the ESRB is replaced with the governmental ordinated Regulation and Medium Reviewing Organizational District. This organization also regulates the import/exports of games, movies/TV shows, and books. Possessing any materials deemed harmful to the future of America is punishable by a small fee and confiscation of said materials. Of course, punishment may vary depending on the severity of the crime.

Due to the factors of Clinton’s campaign and disgruntled gamers turning their backs on the Big 3, the economy takes a hit and game companies begin to close their doors. Ubisoft’s Jade Raymond becomes an actress and stars in many chick flicks. To the dismay of horny male gamers, no sex tape of her was ever released.

Mid 2014+

It took another 20 years for the game market to crash yet again. Due to the poor business decisions, political perseverance from the wrong side, and consumer unfriendly tactics, the industry we all know and love is at an end and now just a humble hobby. The only games that are released are full modified conversions of existing games such as Zombie Panic, Zombie Escape, Grand Dead Auto, City of the Dead, and countless mods with “No Escape” in their titles.

Unfortunately, nothing is becomes really innovative, just rehashes and reverse engineering. Thus, like it’s beginnings, becomes a small, tight-knit community of computer nerds.

Anyone up for some Pong: Reloaded?

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2 Responses to “The Future of Gaming”

  1. Joshua Pohl Says:

    Wow. That was pretty funny to read through but also slightly possible. Nice post.

  2. Destruction-Overdrive Says:

    Im….depressed, scared and slightly hungry

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