How to Make Video Game Movies

I Now Pronounce You Kane & Lynch

As a movie buff whose not really a movie buff, films that are derived from video games are bound to fall flat on its face like a poppy sorority girl in a drunken stupor. It seems like any idiot with a camera can make a video game related movie, send it off to a movie studio, and have their check in the mail the next morning. That is why I am helping up and coming, ambitious filmmakers with this list of how to make a good decent video game-oriented movie.

Step 1: Disregard previous narrative, make your own.

Uwe Boll, the maverick of modern day video game filmmaking mastered the art form ofThe Movie completely ignoring what made the game special in the first place by taking out the general plot and instead, substituting it with a screenplay that was written for a Sci-Fi original movie. Remember, video games are all about tits, ass, guns, and explosions. Who the hell wants to hear the 5 minute philosophical diatribe of a complex character such as BioShock‘s Andrew Ryan when we can blast him in the face after a long, drawn out Mexican standoff? Remember, filmmakers know games, game developers don’t.

Step 2: Use CGI. Fuckloads of it.

I cannot stress this enough. Video games are essentially interactive computer graphics, why not their movie counterparts? In this day and age of technological advancement, we need to show that we can emulate the dodgy polygons and lighting of a previous-gen PS2 game but in movie form. Forget the myth that too much CGI renders the film too “cheesy,” it enhances the experience by tricking the viewer into thinking they are playing the game. Instead of a controller though, it’s a bag of popcorn, 42oz soda, and a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

Step 3: Add generic metal in the soundtrack

To hell with the original orchestral soundtrack of Final Fantasy, all the cool kids these days are not into that pretentious tripe. They want to hear the rocking tunes of Slipknot while Aeris is blasting away mage baddies and zombies with pitchforks. (Final Fantasy doesn’t have zombies with pitchforks but we go back to Step 1 here…) The movie needs to be an “adrenaline-rushed thrill ride of the year!” – Shawn Edwards (FOX-TV) for it to be credible in the eyes of the test audience.

Step 4: Add unnecessary political commentary to the mix

Who the hell cares if Silent Hill isn’t based on the political agenda of our government? Make the implication anyway. Have Pyramid Head act as a metaphorical George Bush figure as he skins alive the metaphorical civil liberties we once had. Sure, it doesn’t fit in the overall theme of the game/movie, but you are a filmmaker and your opinions about the current tin pot fascist regime is valued.

Step 5: Pretend you respect the core fanbase and/or are a gamer yourself.

Want to score points with the people who made the game what it is today? Put up a front! You’ve worked around actors and PR people so it should rub off on you on how to totally bullshit those dim-witted gamers! Tell them you’ve played the game(s) whose franchises you are about to rape and have deep, profound respect for them. Your concept of giving back that respect is poor reviews and considerably low box office budgets!

That’s about it. Video games haven’t established themselves as a highly regarded medium yet so you, Mr. Filmmaker, have all the time in the world to exercise your skills and B-grade video game flicks are a good source of practice.

Remember, you can’t get it the first time and before you know it, you’ll be directing Oscar worthy flicks with those boring orchestral scores!

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2 Responses to “How to Make Video Game Movies”

  1. Yellow Hat17 Says:

    Pretty much agreeable… But I hope so badly that the BioShock movie, if made, does not look anything like the one in this post. I just don’t agree with the last and step 1 is actually the reason that every gamer hates Uwe Bowl to his grave. Just me. Great post though.

  2. Yellow Hat17 Says:

    Sorry for the double comment, but I meant to stop that comment from going onto the site. If you were serious when you wrote this, keep my comment, if you weren’t DELETE MY COMMENT

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