EWR Diary

Extreme Warfare Revenge is a wrestling simulation game created by Adam Ryland. While he’s since moved on to bigger and better things, including sequels to the game, there is still a large community dedicated to the game. A lot of people document their work in the game in “EWR Diaries.” I’m ready to show them what I can do. Let’s see what we can get out of taking a small, local wrestling league and trying to take them straight to the top.

I’m completely positive that my booking work for the regional wrestling promotion WLW (World League Wrestling) will make WLW the most popular promotion… IN THE WORLD. Or just within Kentucky boundaries.

I title my game “fffffffffff” because I didn’t feel like typing in anything else. They can mean anything you want them to mean! But, in other worthless news, I didn’t notice this until now, but wrestling legend himself HARLEY RACE is the owner of this company!

So, I have to think BIG to impress this wrestling legend, so I do what any man would do, and hire Kamala because he’s cheap and scary! Something Harley Race can relate to.

I react fast in knowing that now I have NO STAFF members except local referee SKIPPY JOHNSON, and immediately make him the new WLW WLW WLW WLW champion! The more “WLW’s” there, the faster we’ll get to the top! You see why Harley Race trusts me with his dirty work?

Okay, so I don’t book any shows because I have no shows. So I have to wait for the glorious one show a month PPV. I want to make this PPV something special, something unique, something people would spend their money on! That’s right, I’ll take Kamala and throw him into a lion pit! He doesn’t agree to this, so I’ll just make him lose every match he’s in.

Kamala has… fuck that! I just hired American Kickboxer and Aki Mann! I sense they have good tag team potential together! I can’t wait to see the action figures fly off the shelves!

I have big plans for this regional promotion, but now I’m hitting next day until I get cramping from the action. I keep checking my mail, 450 new messages! I don’t want to read all of those. I delete them all, positive that none are important to me in th… OH MAN! Messiah is now a free agent as a part of a management shake-up! I hired him immediately! Then, cutting off his thumbs in a hotel room, why? Ratings, baby! Ratings!

Okay, this button hitting is old, I want to check up on some other features in this game! You know, to hear about my promotion and how people love Kamala. MOLLY HOLLY IS GOING INTO PLAYBOY?! According to the worlds best simulation site she is! I can’t wait! But they are also saying heavyweight main eventer for WLW is going to gimmick where he keeps dying. How did they know?!

I have enough talent in my roster with people like His Invisible Friend, Kamala, Skippy Johnson, Bull Schmitt (HAHA! SHIT!) and Turkey Creek Johnson! Like to see WWE match up with that killer lineup! Oh, and I fired Takao Omori, because my finger slipped. No respectful redneck organization would hire a Japanese man within their walls! Only white men here! Which is why I hired Stevie Ray, Ahmed Johnson, Ernest Miller and Bushwacker Luke! I’m all about tradition! Oh, and I fired all of them shortly after my point was made.

Okay, I think I’m hiring a bit too many people, but, you know, I have Harley Race as my owner, so I get to spend 300,000 of it on GOLDBERG! But he doesn’t feel our promotion is big enough for him. Stupid Goldberg. I look at the date, it’s only June 8?! I’m surprised at this, so I keep hitting NEXT DAY until Bobby Heenan dies. Next day, next day, next day… Getting emails of companies getting “good stars” as opposed to my “bad” ones?! Excuse me, Kamala would out-wrestle anybody.

You could say I’m basing my whole company within Kamala’s contract clause, and well, you’re right, he said Akeem would get me if I didn’t. Well, he also said “if this were 1988,” at the end of the sentence, but I didn’t acknowledge it, because Kamala has a crescent moon on his stomach.

Messiah is upset that I cut off his thumbs, so I cut off his head, he’s dead. NO MORE MESSIAH! My personal assistant Sophie says I need to go to jail, I say “Seeya!” and she’s gone. So because of this, I make the June PPV called “Kamala Lovefest ’98 ’03,” why? Well, why NOT?
Johnny Gold was involved with a drug scandal! I need to push him to the top for that! Good work, Johnny. You’ll recieve the WLW “No Rehab 4 Me” Title at the PPV.

I’m eagerly awaiting this pay-per-view, it’ll be a class act, a legendary event to never be forgotten. Nothing will fail! My other workers are upset that I’m only using Kamala. I say “too bad! You’re fired!” They agree to be let go. So, I now only have Kamala, Skippy Johnson, His Invisible Friend (oh he is so loyal to us) and SUPERSTAR STEVE, later renamed to Scot Rubin, because I have powers beyond yours! I expect a lawsuit, or maybe a praise, I’m not sure yet.

I miss American Kickboxer, who’s Aki Mann?

Okay, with my little roster, I have to act fast, because my plan for the “No Need 4 Rehab” belt failed. Because the bastard left. Oh well, one week and it’s PPV time!

I decide to set up a feud between my biggest stars, Scot Rubin and Kamala! I did the impossible…


Zero percent actually means 100. The fans are just stunned at the greatness of this fued, so they don’t react, at ALL! Yeah.

How many days are in June? Seems like a million; this week is going by real slow. I can’t wait for Kamala Lovefest ’98 ’03! Step aside WrestleMania! You got a heavy rivalry ahead of you! Okay, here it is, in all it’s glory, KAMALA LOVEFEST ’98 ’03! IN FULL RESULT GLORY! You have fun, you know I did, we know the fans did.

WAITJUSTAMINUTE! I need commentators! I think I’ll use and hire Billy K. and Duncan Wolf because I like wolves, to call the action. And I need writers! I hire as many writers as I can. Yup, I hire all of them.

Now, without further delay… oh my god! Messiah is back from the dead! He wants in on the PPV! I agree, as long as I get to chop off his head again. He agrees, he’s all good to go, now I gotta sharpen up this bloody axe for the job!

Here we go, KAMALA LOVEFEST ’98 ’03!

– Dead Messiah Kicking Ass def. Scot Rubin for the WLW WLW WLW WLW Title by run-in by “His Invisible Friend,” now known as “Kraken: The Thunderlord”

I rate this match 6 out of 5 stars, because of the effort from both men, GOOD WORK GUYS!

– Dead Messiah Kicking Ass def. Scot Rubin in an ULTIMATE REMATCH by run-in by “Kraken: The Thunderlord,” formally known as “His Invisible Friend”

I didn’t watch this match, let’s just give it 100 stars just out of fan interest. I bet you’re wondering where Kamala is, and dammit, I am too, he said he was bringing back Sonic hamburgers 4 hours ago…

– Dead Messiah Kicking Ass def. Pink M.U.S.C.L.E. Action Figure by run-in by a donkey from a local zoo

If you haven’t noticed, if someone wins here in WLW, they keep wrestling until they pass out from a heatstroke. It’s the way WLW likes it. Scot Rubin got a rematch because I feel bad for him. This match? No stars. Why? How should I know?

– Dead Messi…ughhhhh!!!!!!! def. A whole army of Army Men toys

Oh no! Dead Messi…ughhhhh!!!!!!! turned completely rabid and zombie-ish during this match! It must have been the rusty axe I used on him. He refused to not have the “ughhhhh!!!!!!!” part in. Nevertheless, the Army Men put up a good fight, they have good aim, but aren’t too sturdy. 898 stars, truly a classic in my book. My autobiography.

– Someone’s Lost Kid from the Crowd def. Colonel “Bumblebees” Watson

Nothing special here. He had a ponytail or something.

But in all honesty, I knew this had to be good. These two future talents are ones yours truly thought of, further proving greatness. Negative 0 stars plus 97 equals 97.

Wait! Dead Messi…ughhhhh!!!!!!! vanished into thin air! Just like that! Anyway, I knew this had to be good for the best of the company, looks like no real point for a championship now. In memorial, we’re no longer acknowledging the titles existence.

Well, with the WLW WLW WLW WLW Title gone, I look towards the future, and totally changing the champion to Kamala, too bad Messiah! Hey, Kamala has finally returned from Sonic with our hamburgers! Yes! But he ordered me onion rings instead of fries?! So because of this, I send him back, canceling the main event, canceling everything else. People are disappointed, why? Did they not like Scot Rubin? I doubt it, they love him and his awesome feud with Kamala, who I now fired because it’s been .8 seconds and no fries in sight.

Yup, I’m thinking big with WLW, and I’m just getting there, with the jam-packed gym with at least 5 people supporting us, I think we’ll be widely-known within a few days time. I’m just that good.

Apparently, I’ve done really great; Harley Race is refusing to speak with me, he’s speechless! He’s delighted to have me on the team. Yeah, I think I have a big future with WLW. Oh, and Bobby Heenan died according to an email I received. I immediately send the vanished Dead Messi…ughhhhh!!!!!!! to check out everything and eat his flesh. I think I’m onto something big here.


One Response to “EWR Diary”

  1. bionicgranny Says:

    Dead Messiah Kicks Ass should be a band name.

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